10 ways NOT to clean up your church database

Sometimes I grow weary of talking to church leaders who just refuse to see the value that technology can bring to the table when it comes to accelerating ministry connections. Rather than provide a rational response, I’m pondering whether or not to start presenting these ideas in the midst of those frustrating conversations.

Here are 10 ways that will absolutely, positively shrink your database:

  1. Delete everyone and start from scratch.
  2. Send an invoice to people who haven’t given in more than 12 months. If they don’t pay up, they are cancelled.
  3. Stop keeping records. It’s a lot of work afterall.
  4. Mail a notice that says: “Due to your inactivity, you are scheduled to be purged from our records. Please contact us to prevent this from happening.”
  5. Break in and steal membership lists from other growing churches in your area. Switch out their best members for the least valuable ones in your church.
  6. Burn all the computers in a public gathering and declare that technology has corrupted the church.
  7. Hire private investigators to uncover what churches the people who leave your church are now attending.
  8. After #7, hire a telemarketing call center and offer them “90 days Free from Tithing” if they’ll come back in the next 60 days.
  9. Take out half the available seating in your worship space reasoning that you can get more people in the room if they just stood the whole time.
  10. Fire all your staff. They are too expensive. Instead, use the money to create a resource that tells other church how smart and successful you are.

Just so we’re clear: I don’t recommend acting on any of these ideas. (But it does make me feel better to put it on paper.)

What would you add to the list?

Topics: This entry was posted in Leadership Roles, This entry was posted in Administrative Support

Posted by Steve Caton on Oct 24, 2011 11:44:12 PM